I'm a wannabe Onion headline writer who occasionally jots down some wannabe Onion headlines in my iPhone notes. Here's what I've got so far: 

Rebellious germs don't follow five-second rule. 

In radical show of support for gender equality, Coca-Cola releases new bottle design that women can pee in, too! 

Man's nipples still searching for sense of purpose. 

Third-grader getting a little too old to still believe in self. 

Dog considers man to be good friend, but probably wouldn't go so far as to say 'best.' 

Planet Fitness entangled in lawsuit with Freemasons over new marketing slogan, 'Join or Die.' 

Texas bans open carry of tampons. 

Toddler officially renounces mashed peas. 

Woman just naturally blessed with great plastic surgeon. 

As a middle-aged man in a windowless white van that says 'free candy' on the side, I'm tired of negative stereotypes. 

Following marginal Weight Watchers success, rapper Fat Joe forced to rebrand as Average Joe. 

English major has promising future as freelance Wikipedia contributor. 

Dentist's office making bold statement with tray of chocolate chip cookies in waiting area. 

Metabolism announces early retirement at age of 32. 

Nigerian prince will stop at nothing to get hands on great grandma Ethel's bread pudding recipe. 

Instagram influencer tired after long, hard day of influencing. 

Baby brother just constant reminder that parents still doing it. 

Identity thief crumbling under mountain of some guy named Bryan's student loan debt. 

Strong, independent woman who don't need no man, wants man. 

Congress announces plans to combat birth control epidemic. 

Following plastic straw ban, plastic straw manufacturer dumps remaining plastic straw inventory in ocean. 

J.P. Morgan apologizes for getting caught, promises it won't happen again. 

Self-driving cars could revolutionize more than just the Fast and Furious franchise. 

Teen facing 3-5 years in one of America's toughest universities.